I am lucky to have not experienced many deaths in my life. I can count on one hand the number of funerals and memorial services I have attended. While in one way this is a blessing, in that most people close to me are alive and well and I haven’t borne witness to many true tragedies, in some ways my psychological and spiritual knowledge of the concept is somewhat stilted and immature. I haven’t thought much of death, or my own opinions on the afterlife, simply because I haven’t had much necessity to do so.
The people I surround myself with in my life, both in “real time” and in my online dabblings, lean towards the intellectual. While a well-crafted “your mom” joke is certainly appreciated, and goofiness is welcomed, most of my friends and acquaintances tend to have very strong and well-researched opinions and knowledge on a wide variety of subjects. I have friends who are particle physicists, social workers, artists of various mediums, literary Doctorates, lawyers, computer experts in both software and hardware, engineers and more. The majority are college graduates, and a large percentage hold a post-graduate degree, some with several. So, it goes to say, that I often find myself in the midst of debate on particularly heady topics.
Recently, an individual I follow on Twitter, who is a college professor and holds a Doctoral degree, was discussing his theories on the afterlife. From his scientific viewpoint, he speculated, we’re all just matter. There’s nothing that differentiates our particles from any other carbon-based life form, and when our physical entity ceases to create and consume energy, that’s the ultimate end of our existence. Interestingly, he chose to cite Heidegger, a philosopher, rather than any scientific evidence as support for his thesis: that the concept of life after death conflicts with many major scientific concepts. This struck me as being somewhat intellectually arrogant, and also devoid of any emotional ideas or feelings about death, which I feel are impossible to completely separate from any “facts” one might propose, and shared this opinion with him. Then, of course, he was curious as to what my opinion on the matter was, and what I based my beliefs on.
This was the moment where I realized: I have no idea what my opinions on the afterlife are. Or at least, I didn’t think I knew. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts and attempt to condense them into 140 characters, I realized that my opinion, as well, is based more on science than religion. The reason I don’t propose one answer or one distinct concept of what the afterlife is like, is because I have no personal data on the subject. I don’t know, I haven’t been there, and no other living human being can even begin to think that they have concrete proof of what happens or doesn’t happen. I don’t really subscribe to any one religious or philosophical dogma, and while I have my hopes as to what the afterlife will hold for me and those I love, I simply have no idea what it is actually like, or if it exists at all.
And, it dawned on me shortly thereafter, I am entirely comfortable with this. I’m not foolish enough to think I can predict what will happen during my own life, so why waste energy fretting about what happens after it? This was a pretty big “a-ha” moment for me, as I’ve always been very keen on planning and controlling my own life as much as possible, and often would find myself inconsolably panicked and distraught if things didn’t align to my own plans.
Well, the past 4 years have pretty much succeeded in shooting many of my plans to hell, so I’ve been forced to come to the realization that to some degree I have no idea what is going to happen in my life. I can strive to be financially and personally successful, and surround myself with people who make me happy, but other than that it’s pretty much a crapshoot.
Since 2006 my husband got been sick–very sick–and was diagnosed with a syndrome that can pop back up whenever it feels like it and render our lives far more difficult than we could have imagined. I’ve also had two jobs from hell, encountering individuals whose behavior was far more sociopathic and malicious than I ever could have imagined. I made a complete and total career change, supported my parents through a very difficult time wherein professional allies turned out to be enemies in every sense of the word, survived a bout of depression that landed me in a psych ward, and, the icing on the cake, been diagnosed myself with some major and chronic health problems which you’ve all heard plenty about lately.
All of these realizations about my complete lack of power over the course of my life and the afterlife have come at a somewhat poignant time, as I near the first anniversary of the death of my grandmother. Not knowing for myself is one thing: but not knowing what a loved one experiences in the afterlife, if anything, is more difficult for me. While the thought that good people go to heaven and bad people go to hell is comforting, what about good people on earth who go through living hell for no reason? My own struggles in the past few years pale in comparison to what some people are forced to live through.
It does bother me to think that I don’t know exactly what happens when the people I love leave this earth. No matter how strongly one believes in one’s faith and its description of the afterlife, the reality is that belief and knowledge are two different things. This creates, for me, a philosophical and spiritual query wherein I can see only two options:
1) Resign myself to not knowing.
2) Come up with my own thoughts on the subject, based on my own grab-bag of religious and intellectual concepts.
A true intellectual would say that option #2 is just a safety blanket to protect one’s feeble mind from a giant scary unanswerable question. However, in my experience, most “staunch” intellectuals are, frankly, often completely isolated in their own brains and incapable of interacting with the majority of the human race. They are often, also, arrogant, pedantic pains in my ass.
So I guess, for now, I’ll go with option #2, and begin to start forming my own thoughts on the subject. Based on my recent life experiences, I would have to say I don’t think I believe in hell, at least in a traditional Judeo-Christian sense, because I think life affords us all plenty of hellacious personal experiences, and human beings and animals as a whole suffer plenty at each others’ hands on earth.
And I know what I would want for my loved ones: My MomMom, paternal Grandmother, and both Grandfathers who are now all no longer with us. That is, I would want it to be whatever they want it to be. I would want them to be happy, and beyond that the specific parameters should be whatever they desire them to be, based on their own personal and spiritual beliefs. No matter how intellectual one is, I think everyone shares this hope. And, logic would dictate, that if every human being can agree on this fact, that they would just want their loved ones to be happy, then doesn’t it stand to reason that maybe that is the reality of the afterlife.? I hope so.
June 20th will be the one year anniversary of MomMom’s passing, and, also, my 6th wedding anniversary. While the day will be difficult for me, or at least bittersweet, I can hold on to the hope that at least she’s had a better year than I have. I hope she had a great year, because it’s what she deserves. That’s the best I can do: to hope, and for now, I’m okay with that.
